PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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