dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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