I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
