When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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