Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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