I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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