your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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