How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
