dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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