Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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