they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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