I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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