I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
