I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize