God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
