Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
time to smoke my breakfast
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
