I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
