Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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