i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
