if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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