I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
