I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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