ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Pants 0. Shit 1.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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