Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
