I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
