Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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