you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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