I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dicks are not precious.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
