paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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