Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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