in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
