if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
