May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
