im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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