i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
