Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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