Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
my god I love twenty year old dicks
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
