Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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