do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
