oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
