She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
