Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i need some magic done to my vagina
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
