I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
