you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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