So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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