Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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