Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
