So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
