My sheets look like a crime scene.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
