My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
