I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
